Inside the mind of the depressive.

Sorry this is long.Read it with caution. May Trigger Reader

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:07:40 GMT

To my beloved Beverly:
I am so sorry Beverly sweetheart. I didn't keep the promise I keep for you. I cut myself on Tuesday. I was very depressed and very confused.I was also very suicidal.I was thinking about ending my life, i didn't have any plan to end my life. I was just didn't want to go on living. I am so scare of losing you. I am so scare of me pushing you and driving you away. I am just scare of my feeling toward you. The feeling is so strong and so intense. I want you to hold me and protect me.

My mind is too mess up to be fix. I just feeling too weak, too overwhelmed to keep on living. The world is too cruel and too unforgiving to live.
I think i am too obsessed with death, suicide and dark stuff.

All i think is how my pain will be going away if i am dead. I don't have to deal with my depression, my unreturned attraction and feeling toward you and my professor. I still love my professor. I will never be able to stop loving her. She is always remain the only woman that i ever truly love. I still think she is the most beautiful woman ever. She is the best professor i ever have. I care about her and always wish she could love me back.
But i know she will love me back. She is not attracted to woman, she is married to a man she love and who love her.
She is older than me and she is my professor. I really wish she could hold me, to nurture me in a motherly way.
To repair the love i didn't got from my mom when i was young.
But sometime I feel a very strong romantic attraction toward her. I lust after her slender and slim body.
I want to kiss her warm lip and to feel her skin on me. I want to look inside her beautiful eyes and to be into her warm and protected embrace and never to let go.
I am so unsure about my sexuality. I can't handle the confusion and the loneliness. I wish I am dead. I am not good enough for you and for anybody. I feel like i am just wasting your time.
I am so sorry that i made you feel disappointed in me. But please don't rejected me anymore. Please don't give up on me. Please don't ever abandoned me. I don't want to loss you ever! I need you. I am terrify and afraid of how strong and intense my feeling toward you is.
I feel so lonely and alone without you. I think about you at night. I toss and turn all night. Sometime i even cry because i miss you so much. I don't want the session to be over. Every time i walked out your office,my heart sank deeper into depression because i am so scare that i will never see you again. I don't know what to do without you in my life. Every thing will be dark, cold, and depressed and lonely. I am getting more and more dependent on you emotionally, i feel really scare and terrify.
Will you still remember me if we have to say goodbye? I really hate saying goodbye, especially to people that i really love. I am scare of not able to see you ever again and you not remember me. I am so sorry Beverly. I just love you too much. I really care about you. Whenever i cry, i am dying for you to hold me, to wipe the tear away, and to talk softly in my ears, to stroke my hair gently.
But I know this is just a fantasy.You will never gotta hug me. A hug is painless, comforting and calming.I really want a hug from you. Do you rejected hug from other client who really want it and need it? Is it okay for me to hug you at the last session,when i am not your client anymore?
Are you married? Do you have kids? Do you hug your kids? I bet you do hug your kids. I wish you are my mom, so i can hug you and hold you anytime.
You are so motherly looking. I am so attracted by your warm, friendly, sweet smiling face. I am so crazy over you. I love you with all my heart and soul. I will always remember you. Will you ever forget about me?

I don't want to let you go. Should I stop seeing you? Are you the right therapist for me? Is my feeling for you unhealthy and too obsessive? I don't want to deal with it anymore. I become suicidal because of the intense and strong feeling for you. I feel so alone. Feel like i am dealing with it all by myself. I don't want to live with the pain anymore. Sorry but i am in so much emotional pain. I am too weak emotionally. How will you react if one of your client committed suicide? How will you react if i die. Will you be sad or heartbroken? I am so damn depressed everyday. I am too tired of the struggle and too sick of my emotion. I am losing the battle, fed up with life. Feeling unloved and rejected. It not your fault. It totally all my fault. I wish you the very best in life. Good luck with everything. I love you and I always will. Goodbye my love.

Death is the only way out of my problem. Dead is always on my mind. I think about dying all the time. Suicide is all i ever think about. I know suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but i can't stop thinking about suicide. The world would be a better place without me. My parents would be better off without me. But i know you will be heartbroken and sad if i end up killing myself. I feel so guilty for hurting your feeling and breaking your heart. I am so sorry. Please don't blame yourself.
With Love:
Stephanie.

Writer's Block: Famous last words

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:03:29 GMT

If you were close to death, what would you choose for your last words? To whom would you want to say them?

Submitted By whoismarion

View 1471 Answers

I want to say to my mom/Dad: I fucking hate you guys. Rot in hell, motherfucker.
I want to say to my professor crush-I love you honey.
To my therapist-Thanks for helping me.

Today Therapy Session

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:25:52 GMT

Today i had a very rough and painful therapist session with my school therapist.
Her name is Beverly. She is very motherly and kindhearted.
I am attracting to her maternally.
I asked her to hug me because i was feeling very sad, but she rejected me.
I instantly burst into tear.
I felt like a little girl, i feel so vulnerable and small.
I hate how i feel toward her. I really like her, i don't want to loss her.
:(

Writer's Block: Just another manic Monday

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:58:38 GMT

Do you look forward to returning to work/school on Mondays or do you live for the weekend? What do you enjoy most about weekends? What do you dread most about school and/or work?

View 813 Answers

I love going back to school on Monday, because i can see my school therapist Beverly. I love her.

Therapy session with my school therapist.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:14:10 GMT

Today i had my therapy session with my new school therapist. Her name is Beverly. She is a very nice person.
I get very overwhelmed and sad and almost cried when i was talking about my mom.
I got nervous when i talked to her.
But i am glad she was understanding and very nice to me.

Man starved to death in house

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:03:17 GMT

http://cbs2.com/local/man.found.dead.2.1284985.html

Happy Halloween!

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:21:10 GMT

Happy Halloween to all of my lovely and wonderful friends on my friend list.
Don't eat too much candy lol. It will rot your teeth.

Fuck you mom.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:11:47 GMT

Shut the fuck up you fucking bitch.
You are so fucking annoying.

800 dogs seize at filthy house

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:37:57 GMT

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23601914/ns/us_news-life/

About 800 small dogs, including Chihuahuas, terriers and Pomeranian, were seized from a triple-wide mobile home whose occupants were overwhelmed trying to care for the animals, authorities said Wednesday.

Mr.Bean's picnic

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 20:02:08 GMT

Mr.Bean go to a picnic but got disturbed by some unwelcome guest.

Funny Blond Jokes

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:35:58 GMT

Three blonds are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

Angela Montez Prays, Armed Robber Leaves - ABC News

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:04:44 GMT

Angela Montez Prays, Armed Robber Leaves - ABC News

Shared via AddThis

Glenn Close, Sister Jessie Close Tackle Mental Illness Awareness - ABC News

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:57:08 GMT

Glenn Close, Sister Jessie Close Tackle Mental Illness Awareness - ABC News

Shared via AddThis

Welcome back Sharon.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:41:22 GMT

Sharon is back finally!!!!
She went to Europe and Australia for vacation.
She still looks sexy as hell.
I love this woman so damn much:D

Mr.Bean taking the stairs.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:42:33 GMT

Mr.Bean get stuck behind a very slow person at the stair.

Writer's Block: Bucket list

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:03:37 GMT

If you found out you only had six months left to live, what would you do with the rest of your life? Do you have a "bucket list"?

Submitted By prototypic

View 1312 Answers

-Visited Australia, and hug a real koala.
-Fall in love/kiss.

Natasha Richardson-One Sweet Days

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 02:12:48 GMT

Another tribute video to the beautiful and talented Natasha Richardson. Music-One sweet day-Mariah Carey Ft. Boyz II Men. Enjoy

weather here suck

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:38:54 GMT

The weather here suck so bad. I am depressed:(

Destroyed in Seconds- Tank Terror

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 22:03:49 GMT

An Army veteran steals an M-60 tank to terrorize the streets of San Diego.

Top 20 Most Shocking.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 21:36:35 GMT

World's Dumbest-Soccer mom Rage

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:57:39 GMT

A soccer mom in a minivan screams threats at a police officer giving her a ticket.

11-Year-Old Hangs Himself after Enduring Daily Anti-Gay Bullying

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 06:36:39 GMT

http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/news/record/2400.html

Looney Dorothy

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 01:57:27 GMT

Farewell Beloved Anna Svidersky

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 06:06:55 GMT

A Tribute to memory of Anna Svidersky. Rest in Peace Anna 4/26/1988 - 4/20/2006

Anna Svidersky was stabbed to death by schizophrenic Michael Sullivan at the McDonald restaurant where she worked.
She was only 6 days shy of her 18 birthday.
Fuck you Michael Sullivan, hope you rot in hell forever.
RIP Anna.

Police: Fla. man shot fiancee 1 day before wedding

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 06:40:43 GMT

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091010/ap_on_re_us/us_fiancee_shot

This man thought it was an intruder, shot his fiancee the day before they were suppose to be married:(